The Atlantic: Marc Ambinder: McCain’s Cosmological Breakthrough: Unreality Is Expanding

The Atlantic: Marc Ambinder

McCain’s Cosmological Breakthrough: Unreality Is Expanding

The McCain campaign has broken through a heretofore impenetrable barrier in quantum physics, experimentally proving the existence of unseen dimensions and, in the process, setting three of its surrogates on a pathway towards winning the 2009 Nobel Prize in the physical sciences.

Gov. Sarah Palin, campaigning, she said, in “real America,” which apparently includes part of North Carolina, Rep. Michelle Bachmann, calling for a media investigation to determine whether Americans are real or not, and today, McCain all-around best surrogate Nancy Pfotenhauer (pronounced — Foe-Ten-How-er, like proton power), said that parts of the state of Virginia, heretofore universally assumed to be in America, were not, in fact, in the country.

We cannot rule out the possibility that  Palin, Bachmann and Pftoenhauer — let’s call them PBP for short — are somehow about to perceive these extra dimensions, and that there is something fundamental about their physical constitutions that makes such perceptions unavailable to most everyone else. 

Now, in order to “see” a new dimension, we’d have to come up with some coherent theory of how our eyes process the photons.  Some physicists are working on a theory that holds that, in certain conditions — perhaps times of great national peril — the speed of light is not constant. It is possible that P,B,P have, in their retinas, special photoreceptors that are capable of translating projections from extra dimensions into familiar, three-dimensional objects.

If you think that’s special, then think about this. Pfotenhauer said that she lives in a place called Oakton, Va. Oakton is located in Fairfax County. Pfotenhauer implied that the country was part of “real America” because it was open to the possibility of electing John McCain. Here’s the problem: Fairfax County, like its neighbors, are in the process of turning colors. (We can detect this with a special version of a mass spectrometer called a “ballot box.”)  

So what Pfotenhauer, by locating “real America” in the middle of an expansion of “unreal America” — has given us more evidence yet that “unreal America” is expanding.  Perhaps unreal America is a like a bubble in Alan Guth’s Inflationary Universe Hypothesis, one that, when it envelopes “real America” will tear apart. (That would explain the fear in the voices of P,B and P.)

In any event, all of this must be exciting for cosmologists and physicists everywhere.

The rest of the world — most Republicans, Democrats, independents, children, dogs and the media — cannot do justice to this new theory yet. Our reality — 50 states — and then, at a great magnification, people of all shapes, sizes, ideologies and…spins… is about to be upended.

*- I’ve made a hash of the physics here. But poetic license seems to be the order of the election.

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